Yes I'm one of those girls

Yes I admit it, I'm one of those girls. The one who is sometimes revels in bit of good ole' fashioned flirting, just for the heck of it with guys who I have no romantic interest in...especially one's I have no romantic interest in.

It's sad to say, I really only enjoy this uninhibited word play, when I am not thinking about following up my words with actions, as in never.

Why you may ask? Well, when I'm actually interested in a guy, my slightly mysterious, tongue in cheek sassiness turns into awkward mumbling or worse causes me to clam up like a bleeting lamb in the midst of a pack of starving wolves.

I can't help it. Faced with the possibility of actual authentic feelings and connections I'm reduced to a insecure pile of rubble.

What if I'm not as sassy and just right amounts of mysterious as I think. What if he thinks that's all I am, and is disappointed to find a softer more introspective side. What if he thinks I'm ridiculous for wanting to sky dive, but then have minor panic attacks when a plane takes off or lands, and the scariest of all....what if he loves all of it and want to actually be with me.... permanently..WOAH!! really really scary.

There is just something about someone loving me unconditionally, that kinda makes me wanna cry and run away. I realize that this means I have deep routed issues, and yes I am working on.

This is just part of the reason why I enjoy flirting with non-interests. That and I JUST LOVE FLIRTING. Its like making out with a pillow gearing up for the real thing...

so I hear....not that I ever did this in my prepubescent years...nor can I vouch for its effectiveness..just saying.

It keeps the mind and wittiness fresh, so when you enter into real play you have an easy repertoire.

The only problem with this is when that non-interest somehow strays from the pre-understood arrangement of no follow through. Pre-understood because all we've flirted about has all been theoretical; Exhibit A: "So you're totally taking me out to "The Mansion" this weekend for being such an ass, I love fine dining by the way so I hope you have your black AMEX"..Him"Ha yes lets do that this weekend, then afterward we can fly to Monaco".Giggles and playful winks around.

Then suddenly those questions are real, "Do you want to have brunch on Saturday" Me: "Um sorry I actually have allot of studying to do, but thanks for the offer." Note: I was not cruel, but I also didn't ask for a rain check hence dude I'm just not that into you.

So why do you to my deep distress..persist.

Instead of taking a gentle hint you are grabbing for my hand, brushing a finger down my cheek, rubbing my back. Leaving me wondering what the hizzy just happened.

When did I give a signal that said I'm really interested, that my flirtations are more than just flirtations.

As a very tactile person, touches can either send warmth shooting up my spine or have me holding back the bile. I'm now unfortunately in that cringe zone, with absolutely no clue how to GET OUT!

I don't want to hurt your feelings, and I have turned my quiet flirtations into barely concealed tauts, not meant to hurt you, just guyish enough to swing the pendulum back into friend zone, as in beer drinking, burping, Monday night football, friend zone.

I'm in that desperate place where I am thinking about inventing a love interest, but that is a pathetic move that I'm just not ready to resort to yet. So if someone out there knows how to rescue me from this innocent flirtation gone wrong hit me up.

Open Letter to a Bitch

Dear Biatch,


You come here every week and every time you arrive looking like you just stepped in a big... steaming...sweaty....pile. You toss credit cards, ignore friendly overtures, and refuse complimentary wine with the same disdain as if we were trying to sell it to you. All the while bitching about some bitch "go figure" at work who you are so close to telling off because "who does she think she is?"

I just want to know, is your life just a miserable smoldering wreckage? Is it really so awful that you just can't summon up the will to pretend that you like anything?

I mean I get it. Some days I wake up and I'm just so pissed off that I have to go to work and deal with people that are intensely ungrateful, snarky and well people just like you actually. The difference is I don't inflict my bitchiness on you, I may not be your best friend, but I don't roll my eyes and sigh at your every comment. So do me a freaking favor, Take the frigging wine, heck take the whole stinking bottle when its offered, drink up and release the inner raver.

I bet you are one of those people who gets a little tipsy and just lovvvvves everyone and tells people that they are like soooo awesome, and that you want to be friends for like ever. While dancing around like its the love parade in Germany, and you just can't seem to keep your clothes.

Whatever it takes, I don't care just do it. I'm tired of people like you making my life a living hell.

P.S. If you are ever in town again and decide you need to get some. I know a guy, another guest actually, just like you. He may or may not be a woman beater, and may or may not be gay; minor points, almost irrelevant really. Let me know I'll set up a meeting. Kthanxbye.

The longest Story ever Told

It seems as though any thought or aggravation I have had recently, has been completely overwhelmed by worry and stress related to my homelessness and hopelessness associated with the never ending school and work schedule. I literally have been unable to form coherent thought much less sentences. But, yesterday, as I once again prepared for my planning session with my Advisor and whipped out my degree plan to see how far I have left I realized that I will graduate next May! Yeahhh!!! Everyone keeps reminding me that it's like a year away. Thanks Downy McDowners I know, I get it, but the fact is its going to happen, and I have a date.

You see I've been in school FOR-EV-ER, which is ironic since I graduated High School early. However life called and so did my reservations about what it was I was meant to do with it. I remember trying to plan to go away to college and feeling as though the earth was being taken off axis. It just felt wrong. The thought of being away from my family would cause me to burst spontaneously into tears and usually resulted in a full grown panic attack. I didn't sleep for weeks the last semester of high school. I just couldn't do it. I couldn't plan anything beyond getting my diploma. So I graduated and went off to community college the same one my brother and sister went to when we first moved from Jamaica. It was a happy time and place, my family as always was well known and had made a name for themselves within the academic community in Dallas, and my sister was the president of the college. It felt right, but as time wore on and as I dabbled in class after class I still couldn't commit to anything. Somehow time escaped and I ended up with tons of class credit but obviously no cohesive connection for a degree.

A wise friend suggested that I take Journalism or Communications since I loved to write and that it was easily applied to many career paths. Ah finally no need to make a firm decision. It was the perfect suggestion. I applied to only two four year Universities. The public one because it was cheap and the private University because it was close to home; which I realize now is ridiculous since the private Uni is practically Ivy League but that was my reason. I got accepted to the "one close to home" and discovered far more than I expected. Within months I had a clear vision of what I wanted to do, that litterally eased any fear and also my previous plans. God does work in mysterious ways. In that time I have grown as a woman and have finally fully developed my wings and I'm ready to fly.

Now almost a year later, I'm just a year away from the completion of my degree. It's crazy I have never had a date before something to look forward to. For the longest time I've told everyone who asked that I was about a year and a half away from graduating, I've been a year and a half from graduating for over 3 years. This time its finally true. Its completely changed my perspective on everything even on the most annoying Job in the world. I think I almost hugged every person that walked through the front doors of my hotel last night. As it turns out it much easier to deal with people's crap when you know it'll all be over soon. That's not to say I don't and won't occasionally still want to punch people in the face, just means It'll be easier to swallow the impulse.

Even with the Job market looking as crappily as it does I'm really not that worried. I'll just be happy to finally be able to make my way in the world. I can't wait for someone to ask me again when I'm graduating I'll be glad to tell them next May, and this time I'm absolutely sure.

Living under a Bridge..Sorta

Its been awhile folks and that's because I'm sorta living out of a suitcase. I've moved out of my formerly fab apartment and am sleeping on the couch of my good friend and almost roommate. See past post for updates on that situation. Schools been crazy and I just can't seem to catch up, work is well work, and that's not saying much, and of course my friends are departing the city in droves.

Needless to say, I need a game plan to re-ignite my passion, and social life or I will wind up a lonely, homeless, friendless hermit. I decided to create my own meet-up group, you know on meetup.com-- since the groups I joined seem to meet at freaking ridiculous times which makes it difficult for me to well--meet up.

I will plan activities that I enjoy and hopefully meet people who enjoy them as well. Update you later on how that's going, hopefully I'll be out of my rut and have exciting tales to tell soon. Till then.

This S@#$ Sucks!!!

The recession has finally curled up and made itself at home in my life. I just lost my favorite roomie and television watching partner to the Great White North. I was kinda doing OK since my other partner in crime, was going to be able to mourn her loss with me over Bollywood movies, and Champagne in our new fabulous apartment. That was until I found out that my second partner in crime just got laid off, and will most definitely be moving away for a new Job. Last Thursday.. a week before we are scheduled to move into said fabu apartment.... a week before our lease is up. So here I am on Tuesday, with a move out date of Saturday with all my belonging still unpacked, and no apartment to move into. Sometimes life blows.

I do believe that everything truly happens for a reason, and I trust that a year from now said reason will reveal itself, but right now this S#$@ sucks!!! I've lived successfully through one diaspora, when my best friends that I've known forever moved away to finish different levels of education in various states/countries. However after meeting a second group of wonderful ladies in the city, I'm having difficulty with the second movement. I just can't believe that I will meet other amazing girls that will become as important to me as my current group of girls. Whom I miss dearly, and call and visit every opportunity I get.

Maybe apart of my frustration is that I constantly watch them drive away to new adventures, and being left behind can sometimes be harder than leaving. In either case I know that I'm up for another round of friendship making, I have no choice. While I did consider becoming a hermit, I'm relational and enjoy my girlfriends, guy friends, and general camaraderie that comes when you really get to know someone and can let down your hair, laugh until you almost pee your pants, and can cry unabashedly.

Right now, I am grateful for the previously named vortex of selfishness who tonight lifted my spirits with a shot of tequila, hug, and laughter. I forgot that's probably why I fell for him in the first place. His warmth, and moments of genuine care. Anyway I look forward to new friends, and great travels with my forever friends. Next time I write might be from my new home under a bridge but hopefully with new adventures around the corner.

The End of an Era

Yesterday I wished one of my dearest friends and favorite roommates farewell. We stuffed her into a car packed to the hilt with her last few belongings. The last items that tied her to Dallas and to me. It was with a mixture of sadness, and excitement that I watched her drive away; off to her new home in the Great White North.

I'm grateful for the time we spent together and that we got to live together. It is because of her I learned it is possible to have a deep relationship with someone who doesn't share my background. We had our differences that made us wage mini wars, throwing out attacks and counter attacks, drawing the line in the sand, daring the other to cross it. When we did, we ended up much closer than before. We shared countless hours of laughter, cringed together over awkward moments, rallied each other through discouraging times and grew in our faith together. I remember she once asked if I thought there was a limit to the amount of great friends one gets to have in this life. I still don't know the answer to that question, but, if there is a limited number and I'm nearing the end of my ration, I'm sure glad she made the quota.

So Camelot here's a little ditty that was once read to me as I entered a new period of my life. It has been a few years now, but I have never forgotten it. I'm sure you've heard it before, but it encapsulates all my hopes for you. Happy trails Hon, and Cheers to your big new Adventure!

"May the road rise up to meet you.May the wind be always at your back.May the sun shine warm upon your face;the rains fall soft upon your fields and until we meet again,may God hold you in the palm of His hand."

Enemies and Friends

I used to wonder why you always hear of the Good ole' boys club, and phrases like bros before hoes, and nothing about the ties that bind women. While women have some of the most fulfilling relationships with each other as friends, those relationships can disintegrate once a guy enters the picture. I've seen best friends battle it out WWF style, for the affections of one guy only to end up without the guy or their friendship when the dust settles. Heck I've even made some less than stellar choices and relished in the theft of a boys affection, in my stupid younger days, and I have had good friends all but disappear once they've found companions. Its so sad that there is no sisterhood, no common bond that we can find to be better friends, and sisters.

The is particularly fresh in my mind after the discovery that a "friend" one that I've confided in and have come to care a great deal for, is well, tramping it up with a married man. Not her first offense and I dare say probably not her last. We've cried together and bonded over broken hearts,and cheating men. So its a bit of a shock when I see her flaunting her nubile young body in front of attached men.

I suppose I always knew what she was like, because the one thing we always laughed about together is how alike we are when it comes to our choice in men, and attitudes toward relationships. I suppose the difference is that I grew up and decided to care more about myself, and stopped allowing myself to believe that I was only valuable if a man chose to leave someone for me. It's even sadder because she's been grown up for a lot longer than I have, and I don't think she'll ever get it.

Now I find it difficult to look at her or even talk to her, not because I find her behavior so infuriating, but more that I see in her something that I recognize. A tired, lonely, girl begging someone, anyone to love her and make her feel that she matters. I can't look because I was once that girl, and I'm sad for my lost friend, I want her to see the light so to speak. I know that tramping is just as addicting as alcohol so I know she'll never change till she wants to. Until then, I guess the rest of my clan and I will just have to get our men inside before midnight.