I'm not Ok

Its rainy and dark in Dallas, which is perfect because I feel grayed out and disillusioned today. I'm not a big dater, and I very rarely crush and when I do meet someone I'm interested in I generally proceed with caution. But there have been a few times where I had ignored my better judgement, or given into loneliness and made decisions I wish I hadn't; and it almost always those mistakes that follow me around like a lost puppy.

Yesterday I was contacted by one such mistake by both text and email. This "event" was a short lived, hugely unfulfilling experience that I rarely think about, and I am always a little surprised took place when it does pop into mind. I made it clear to this person I thought we were not meant to be anything more than acquaintances..but he missed the message and is trying to pick up where we left off. To make matters worse another person who I was recently really hurt by (should have gone with my initial gut instinct about this one) is coming back into my life in a really unavoidable way.

It's distressing to me on several levels first because in both situations I purposely separated myself from both individuals because I needed space, both to heal and get on with my life, second because these are guys that I don't want to pursue any kind of relationship with now or in the future, especially with guy number 2; the vortex of selfishness. I'm all about forgiving because its necessary to forgive someone in order to move on, but I find that being forgetful sometimes allows mistakes to repeat themselves.

It makes me really sad to have an abundance of men I don't want in my life, all the while hoping to meet guys of substance who have grown up and stopped acting like Frat boys, guys who have integrity and are Friends first then lovers, guys who are kind and want to leave a positive mark on the world. I know I've said over and over again that it's fine, that I can handle having to deal with the heart breaker again, and that I know there has to be some lesson in it for me from God...but for right now... just for tonight. I'm not OK.