In Deference To an Ass.

Where do you draw the line? When it's your boss I mean. If someone keeps making assumptions about your behavior, never backs you up, has thrown you under the bus because he didn't have the cojones to stand up to his boss, and even stoops so low to tell you that you did something, that you didn't do; mind you that something in question being a body function you control and therefore have empirical evidence about it happening. When do you say enough is enough?
It seems futile because he is your boss.
Today he told me I didn't look at a guest when I was talking to them, which is hilarious since I can recall what said guest was wearing and the color of his eyes. So it would have been an amazing feat of supernatural power for me NOT to have looked at him while speaking to him. So I countered his assumption by letting him know he was wrong, he countered by saying I'm not assuming I saw it, this isn't an argument and I would just like you to pay more attention to the guest instead of at the computer screen or somewhere else,(FYI, I wasn't even checking the guy in I was rifling through his lost and found bag to make sure I was giving him the right thing, then I handed it to him and spoke directly to him) then I said umm no I was looking at him, and you're right this isn't an argument because you cannot tell me what I did or didn't do with my own eyes, since I was having the conversation, and the guest was directly in front of me which partially obscured your view, he then responded that this isn't a difference of opinion,I know what I saw. At which point I ended the conversation by turning to the computer screen and ignored him, while he continued to babble on about not wanting to make me angry but *wha wha wha*. How far is too far, before it's ridiculous? Must I now remain silent and agree with him even when he is unimaginable wrong?
I have tried hard to work on my attitude toward him, despite the fact that
a) I don't respect him as a manager and can barely trust him to have integrity as a friend.
b) He can't spell, or form grammatically correct sentences and insists that it is just his style instead of admitting he needs help.
c) because he has his head stuck so far up people's ass half the time he doesn't really have perspective and,
d) he's the ex, and quite frankly that still plays apart in me wanting to smack him.
I have worked on accepting and submitting to his leadership in a respectful manner, and even apologized for being difficult in the past because I was constantly emasculating him at work. However, I have to draw a line, I will not just roll over and play dead when he's wrong. I also know that based on this last argument, the increase in my blood pressure, and the rapid heart beat I'm probably going to end up dieing before having a constructive conversation with him. So instead of rolling over dead, quite literally, I raise the white flag. I give up and give in, and let him say whatever he wants, whenever he wants, wherever he wants. From now on I'll stick to O.K. "boss" I'm on it.

The thing is I have worked for most of my life. A year after I moved to the United States, and got my newly minted work permit I started helping my Mom in her office, she was a financial advisor. Then I went on to work at a Smoothie King, yes I know Smoothie King. Can't beat the greatest perk, a free shake a day. MMMMMmmmgood. Then onto retail...and the story continues today to hotels. I recently went to a conference about being successful and found out some interesting facts about wildly successful people, think Bill Gates. They all have two things in common.

• First they are avid readers,

check that one: I have been reading since I can remember.

• Second they have had six or more jobs.

As I counted off the number of jobs I've had and it passed the 6 mark, a grin a mile wide stretched across my face, I could practically see the Pulitzer glinting brightly in my minds eye.

Out of the 9..yes 9 jobs I have had since I started working, I received 5 Hugh promotions within months of my start dates, partially because I developed a really strong work ethic from my family. From those positions, I made mistakes and learned from them. I had managers who were great at what they did, and allowed me to grow within my position but who weren't threatened when I told them I wanted to know every aspect of their jobs too. It wasn't just empowerment, it was the kind of real world training that takes you from being good at what you do, to being indispensable.

With my graduation looming, and my present moving forward at a rapid pace, I can't help but wonder, have I completely lost my edge because I work for an idiot?

In one sense not going out for promotions in my current field has left me time to focus on perfecting my craft in the classroom. Even so, I can't help but feel terrified that I have not grown for over a year and a half, I also feel like I have lost some of the zing that helped me score every job I have ever interviewed for.

Not to discount some of the valuable things I have learned from my interactions with him, things like you don't actually have to know how to spell correctly or write in complete coherent sentences just so long as people want to sleep with you then you'll probably get the job. People will come to your defense even when you can't do your job, just so long as you keep them guessing whether you want to sleep with them. Oh and most importantly as long as you look, and act busy while walking swiftly, then you can actually fool some people into believing you have drive and are far more productive than your peers.

Unfortunately or Fortunately in the big bad world of journalism, and human rights advocacy either you can do something or can't, there is no faking.

All that said, I have learned that I do have a bad tendency to interrupt mostly because I don't respect him, and he has a tendency to ramble on for-eve-er without making a valid point, nether the less I have learned to allow people to speak and to listen even when it feels like my ears are bleeding. It's difficult but also to allow myself to be lead by someone I don't think can offer anything of value because it teaches me humility. Not that I am prideful as in stuck up, but I am used to being and doing well, it humbles me to have to work under someone who isn't good, and reminds me to be gracious.

The thing that irks me however is that while I am being very introspective, and trying to make wine out of prunes, I know without a shadow of a doubt that he hasn't thought about his many shortcomings and will continue to fail, probably to his pink slip if the manager grapevine is to be trusted.

So while I am still terrified that I'm just not that good anymore, I know my time isn't wasted. I may not have sharpened my skills here, but I did learn who I don't want to become. I think if I looked hard enough I'd find that all those ridiculously successful people had a third thing in common, they too worked for idiots and vowed not to repeat the same mistakes themselves.

3 months worth of Observation

I know I have pretty much disappeared off the face of the planet. School has literally taken over my life, I have not had a thought independent of my field of study in over 3 months. However recent events have caused such anger that I am compelled to speak. Obama becoming president was a historic, and wonderful moment in this countries history, one that actually brought tears to my eyes. I must admit that I was hesitant to voice that opinion, as a foreigner straddling two worlds, and also as a Multi-Ethnic West Indian accustomed to full integration of ethnicity's. I felt both conflicted at my reaction because it seemed to acknowledge the continued prejudices that ruled the states making it landmark that a man of any other race should win the election, and also inauthentic because it wasn't my countries win, partially because my country doesn't experience that particular struggle.

However I can't deny that since moving to the states and being segregated to the "African American" race class, segregating being something I feel that most Americans are compelled to do, because they cannot grasp that color doesn't always notate culture or race. ((In deference to a very good friend/former roommate I must say I don't believe ALL Americans are like this, I have several dear close friends who are American through and through and have a greater world perspective than most,)) that I have felt what I imagine most Black American face. The pressure to be smarter, work harder, simply do better to just about break even. In that vein I understood what it must have felt like, even though the more "intelligent and more evolved" blacks might not have admitted to it in public, it felt like exhaling, after holding a really long breath, it was this great big sigh of relief. To have a representative as the world leader, an intellectual, and powerful, world position that made it possible to hold your head up, and not feel as though every action was like going to war to prove something. To have someone beyond, the Will Smith's, and Denzel Washington's, but a physical representation that America had moved on from the archaic and ignorant obsession with color.

Apparently that thought was naive. The vicious nature in which Obama has been attacked recently is proof that many Americans will never move beyond the issue of color. With statements coming from George Hutchins, a North Carolina congressional candidate, saying, “America is a great nation due to our diversity, but only when this diversity is voluntary.” is evidence that certain groups in American like to profess that they are tolerant and accepting of different perspectives and race, however they are only tolerant when said variants are in a place that they feel is acceptable and controlled.

Now as a person that is trying to make a case against the demonizing of leaders, and proposing indepent thought, I must say that while I have very strong emotional ties to the challenges Obama faces and the doors he is trying to break down as a "Black" president, again a race category that isn't entirely accurate since he is of mixed race, I do separate my feeling for his challenges, from my feeling of his policies. I still as an informed resident try to separate publicity from facts, and the issues. It would be re-miss if I did not mention that I am aware that Bush faced his fair share of criticism, as did Clinton. However I felt in both cases their policies and administration were primarily attacked, with very little emphasis on their personal lives. As a Student Journalist I am also aware that with citizen journalists, and bloggers, and just about anyone with an opinion running for public office a wider variety of opinion is available to the Public than ever before; not a bad thing, information is power. Except when that opinion or information is based on personal prejudices, political biases, and plain idiocy.

The market place of ideas has been flooded with outlandish claims, and now many Americans are grabbing onto these ideas whole heartily like sheep not bothering to get facts for themselves. The health care debate has caused such an outcry, but I find it amusing that most people questioned about the health care bill can scarcely name one factual aspect of the bill. If they can name an article, their perception of it is so skewed by whatever right, or left wing nut that spoke about it, that they might as well not have an opinion.

I am still trying to understand all the aspects of the bill myself so I cannot yet articulate an opinion about it. However I have a sufficient grasp of past events to know that historically when people are faced with the unknown it is usually met with fierce opposition, from fear. Purer capitalism would entail Americans saving and owning outright everything they have, not this ludicrous materialist world where everything is bought on credit, creating a market drastically inflated. So technically America doesn't have all the answers, the financial distress the country is enduring should point to that. Not that capitalism is bad, but neither is socialism.

It is a factual concept espoused by many social anthropologists that Socialist countries have less crime. This is because the strain created by societal pressures associated with Capitalism, i.e. to attain a certain standard of living without resources to do so, heightens dissatisfaction and increases crime. There are countries like Denmark that operate a successful socialist system. I am by no means a socialist, however I think it is a brave thing to look at where you are, admit that you don't have all the answers, and look at alternatives even if they are scary, and unknown. Maybe they will not be the right solution, but perhaps they will illuminate ways that will help move you forward.

Just as Clinton did not ruin "family" by sleeping with Monica, and Bush didn't lead the country into debt, Obama cannot ruin this country, he is not the Anti-Christ. Don't allow fear to prevent you from getting educated. It is OUR choice what this country becomes. I sincerely hope that while I have used the "it sounds like and smells like" comparisons, that I am proven wrong and people's outcry are not racist. I am just one person with allot of opinion, there are many more opinions out there and most importantly intermingling is the truth. I hope that everyone will go out there and seek it.

For your reading pleasure I have listed an article about some virulent Obama opposers, an AP article addressing some socialist countries good and bad, and the official transcript from Obama's address to congress about his health care plan. All the things everyone is so afraid to look closely at. If nothing else I hope it opens a healthy and productive discourse based on fact. If you have articles or videos you think I should watch send them to me.

1. http://nymag.com/news/politics/59265/?imw=Y&f=most-viewed-24h10
2.http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/56207/list_of_socialist_countries_with_individual.html
3.http://www.whitehouse.gov/the_press_office/Remarks-by-the-President-to-a-Joint-Session-of-Congress-on-Health-Care/

Mind Your Own Freaking Buisness

What is it about this industry and the nature of my job, that allows people to think they can ask me whatever, whenever they feel like it. The most popular question seems to be "What are you doing, you have been staring at that screen for hours?" Hmmmm, well idiots, lets break it down.

I work for a Hotel, and I check people in..among other things. All my communications happens on a computer screen for work, except when I'm talking to a guest. So if someone isn't standing at the desk, why would I just stare out a window, or at a wall. How does that seem more productive than me doing work on my computer? The more infuriating part is when I say I have things that I'm completing on the computer...which I say with a look that should clarify that its none of ya..you then proceed to say something condescending like "good, I'm sure your boss wouldn't be happy if you were like reading a book."

Hold on, wait a minute..I fail to see how its any of your frigging business what I do or not do all day. The last time I checked my pay check doesn't come with your signature at the bottom..hence I don't answer to you. Furthermore, I know my boss he doesn't care if I surf porn all day so long as I get my work done.

Incidentally, he loves facebook, and online games himself, I know we surf together sometimes.

The funny thing is you obviously have an ass-load of time on your hands to notice what I'm doing, so here is my question to you..why aren't you doing something? why are you sitting on your ass staring at me?. 1st. That's creeptastic, 2ND. GET A LIFE!!!!!!!!!.

I've never gone on vacation, or whatever and sat around a lobby staring at employees. Even when I am in the lobby I'm reading, talking to someone or using the Internet. Not getting into other peoples business.

If you went to an office building and waited in the reception area, it would never occur to you to ask the receptionist, or anyone else for that matter what they are doing. You'd certainly never ask any other employee how they spend their time. So why you would feel that its appropriate for you to question me is well....BEYOND ME.

The other invasive assault comes in the form of personal questions. Again, you don't need to know my address, if I'm a citizen, if I want to become a citizen, my plans for my life, if I want to get married, my blood type, if I get paid overtime,blah blah.

It is none of your business. You know that nifty little army policy? Well it applies here too..... Don't ask jackass, cause I don't have to tell you a damn thing. Before answering most of those questions I would usually require someone to take me out to dinner before expecting to get an answer, so why you think its OK for you to sit and pry is uncertain.

Our interactions beyond giving the best customer service in the hotel and info about the city is limited. Limited to conversations I'm comfortable with. So unless we are having a conversation and I offer up information about myself, don't ask me...ITS RUDE.

It would never occur to you to ask someone in a traditional office....who you just met, any personal questions, its inappropriate and in some cases is seen as harassment. NEWS FLASH, if you ask a question, and my response is succinct, and I don't offer additional details, or I am very vague, body language 1-o-1 suggests that it's time for you to quit prying.

There are many times that I find myself biting my tongue, but this is the number 1 reason. The audacity to assume that you have a right to tell me how to do my job, or what my boss expects. If you ask me personal questions, then get offended because I don't respond to the interview I seem to have volunteered for by working in hospitality. Let me remind you that you don't know my boss, and if you think you are so great at doing my job, then apply for the position and lets see you do it. Finally I don't owe you anything other than what my job requirement says I do, i.e great service and a great "HOTEL" experience...beyond that keep your invasive questions to yourself.

I WILL CUT YOU

ATTENTION MR. AND MRS. RATBASTARD...STOP...THROWING..YOUR...FRIGGIN...CREDIT..CARDS...AT...ME..IF...YOU..INSIST..ON DOING..IT...I...WILL..CUT..YOU..THANK YOU...CARRY ON.

Yes I'm one of those girls

Yes I admit it, I'm one of those girls. The one who is sometimes revels in bit of good ole' fashioned flirting, just for the heck of it with guys who I have no romantic interest in...especially one's I have no romantic interest in.

It's sad to say, I really only enjoy this uninhibited word play, when I am not thinking about following up my words with actions, as in never.

Why you may ask? Well, when I'm actually interested in a guy, my slightly mysterious, tongue in cheek sassiness turns into awkward mumbling or worse causes me to clam up like a bleeting lamb in the midst of a pack of starving wolves.

I can't help it. Faced with the possibility of actual authentic feelings and connections I'm reduced to a insecure pile of rubble.

What if I'm not as sassy and just right amounts of mysterious as I think. What if he thinks that's all I am, and is disappointed to find a softer more introspective side. What if he thinks I'm ridiculous for wanting to sky dive, but then have minor panic attacks when a plane takes off or lands, and the scariest of all....what if he loves all of it and want to actually be with me.... permanently..WOAH!! really really scary.

There is just something about someone loving me unconditionally, that kinda makes me wanna cry and run away. I realize that this means I have deep routed issues, and yes I am working on.

This is just part of the reason why I enjoy flirting with non-interests. That and I JUST LOVE FLIRTING. Its like making out with a pillow gearing up for the real thing...

so I hear....not that I ever did this in my prepubescent years...nor can I vouch for its effectiveness..just saying.

It keeps the mind and wittiness fresh, so when you enter into real play you have an easy repertoire.

The only problem with this is when that non-interest somehow strays from the pre-understood arrangement of no follow through. Pre-understood because all we've flirted about has all been theoretical; Exhibit A: "So you're totally taking me out to "The Mansion" this weekend for being such an ass, I love fine dining by the way so I hope you have your black AMEX"..Him"Ha yes lets do that this weekend, then afterward we can fly to Monaco".Giggles and playful winks around.

Then suddenly those questions are real, "Do you want to have brunch on Saturday" Me: "Um sorry I actually have allot of studying to do, but thanks for the offer." Note: I was not cruel, but I also didn't ask for a rain check hence dude I'm just not that into you.

So why do you to my deep distress..persist.

Instead of taking a gentle hint you are grabbing for my hand, brushing a finger down my cheek, rubbing my back. Leaving me wondering what the hizzy just happened.

When did I give a signal that said I'm really interested, that my flirtations are more than just flirtations.

As a very tactile person, touches can either send warmth shooting up my spine or have me holding back the bile. I'm now unfortunately in that cringe zone, with absolutely no clue how to GET OUT!

I don't want to hurt your feelings, and I have turned my quiet flirtations into barely concealed tauts, not meant to hurt you, just guyish enough to swing the pendulum back into friend zone, as in beer drinking, burping, Monday night football, friend zone.

I'm in that desperate place where I am thinking about inventing a love interest, but that is a pathetic move that I'm just not ready to resort to yet. So if someone out there knows how to rescue me from this innocent flirtation gone wrong hit me up.

Open Letter to a Bitch

Dear Biatch,


You come here every week and every time you arrive looking like you just stepped in a big... steaming...sweaty....pile. You toss credit cards, ignore friendly overtures, and refuse complimentary wine with the same disdain as if we were trying to sell it to you. All the while bitching about some bitch "go figure" at work who you are so close to telling off because "who does she think she is?"

I just want to know, is your life just a miserable smoldering wreckage? Is it really so awful that you just can't summon up the will to pretend that you like anything?

I mean I get it. Some days I wake up and I'm just so pissed off that I have to go to work and deal with people that are intensely ungrateful, snarky and well people just like you actually. The difference is I don't inflict my bitchiness on you, I may not be your best friend, but I don't roll my eyes and sigh at your every comment. So do me a freaking favor, Take the frigging wine, heck take the whole stinking bottle when its offered, drink up and release the inner raver.

I bet you are one of those people who gets a little tipsy and just lovvvvves everyone and tells people that they are like soooo awesome, and that you want to be friends for like ever. While dancing around like its the love parade in Germany, and you just can't seem to keep your clothes.

Whatever it takes, I don't care just do it. I'm tired of people like you making my life a living hell.

P.S. If you are ever in town again and decide you need to get some. I know a guy, another guest actually, just like you. He may or may not be a woman beater, and may or may not be gay; minor points, almost irrelevant really. Let me know I'll set up a meeting. Kthanxbye.

The longest Story ever Told

It seems as though any thought or aggravation I have had recently, has been completely overwhelmed by worry and stress related to my homelessness and hopelessness associated with the never ending school and work schedule. I literally have been unable to form coherent thought much less sentences. But, yesterday, as I once again prepared for my planning session with my Advisor and whipped out my degree plan to see how far I have left I realized that I will graduate next May! Yeahhh!!! Everyone keeps reminding me that it's like a year away. Thanks Downy McDowners I know, I get it, but the fact is its going to happen, and I have a date.

You see I've been in school FOR-EV-ER, which is ironic since I graduated High School early. However life called and so did my reservations about what it was I was meant to do with it. I remember trying to plan to go away to college and feeling as though the earth was being taken off axis. It just felt wrong. The thought of being away from my family would cause me to burst spontaneously into tears and usually resulted in a full grown panic attack. I didn't sleep for weeks the last semester of high school. I just couldn't do it. I couldn't plan anything beyond getting my diploma. So I graduated and went off to community college the same one my brother and sister went to when we first moved from Jamaica. It was a happy time and place, my family as always was well known and had made a name for themselves within the academic community in Dallas, and my sister was the president of the college. It felt right, but as time wore on and as I dabbled in class after class I still couldn't commit to anything. Somehow time escaped and I ended up with tons of class credit but obviously no cohesive connection for a degree.

A wise friend suggested that I take Journalism or Communications since I loved to write and that it was easily applied to many career paths. Ah finally no need to make a firm decision. It was the perfect suggestion. I applied to only two four year Universities. The public one because it was cheap and the private University because it was close to home; which I realize now is ridiculous since the private Uni is practically Ivy League but that was my reason. I got accepted to the "one close to home" and discovered far more than I expected. Within months I had a clear vision of what I wanted to do, that litterally eased any fear and also my previous plans. God does work in mysterious ways. In that time I have grown as a woman and have finally fully developed my wings and I'm ready to fly.

Now almost a year later, I'm just a year away from the completion of my degree. It's crazy I have never had a date before something to look forward to. For the longest time I've told everyone who asked that I was about a year and a half away from graduating, I've been a year and a half from graduating for over 3 years. This time its finally true. Its completely changed my perspective on everything even on the most annoying Job in the world. I think I almost hugged every person that walked through the front doors of my hotel last night. As it turns out it much easier to deal with people's crap when you know it'll all be over soon. That's not to say I don't and won't occasionally still want to punch people in the face, just means It'll be easier to swallow the impulse.

Even with the Job market looking as crappily as it does I'm really not that worried. I'll just be happy to finally be able to make my way in the world. I can't wait for someone to ask me again when I'm graduating I'll be glad to tell them next May, and this time I'm absolutely sure.

Living under a Bridge..Sorta

Its been awhile folks and that's because I'm sorta living out of a suitcase. I've moved out of my formerly fab apartment and am sleeping on the couch of my good friend and almost roommate. See past post for updates on that situation. Schools been crazy and I just can't seem to catch up, work is well work, and that's not saying much, and of course my friends are departing the city in droves.

Needless to say, I need a game plan to re-ignite my passion, and social life or I will wind up a lonely, homeless, friendless hermit. I decided to create my own meet-up group, you know on meetup.com-- since the groups I joined seem to meet at freaking ridiculous times which makes it difficult for me to well--meet up.

I will plan activities that I enjoy and hopefully meet people who enjoy them as well. Update you later on how that's going, hopefully I'll be out of my rut and have exciting tales to tell soon. Till then.

This S@#$ Sucks!!!

The recession has finally curled up and made itself at home in my life. I just lost my favorite roomie and television watching partner to the Great White North. I was kinda doing OK since my other partner in crime, was going to be able to mourn her loss with me over Bollywood movies, and Champagne in our new fabulous apartment. That was until I found out that my second partner in crime just got laid off, and will most definitely be moving away for a new Job. Last Thursday.. a week before we are scheduled to move into said fabu apartment.... a week before our lease is up. So here I am on Tuesday, with a move out date of Saturday with all my belonging still unpacked, and no apartment to move into. Sometimes life blows.

I do believe that everything truly happens for a reason, and I trust that a year from now said reason will reveal itself, but right now this S#$@ sucks!!! I've lived successfully through one diaspora, when my best friends that I've known forever moved away to finish different levels of education in various states/countries. However after meeting a second group of wonderful ladies in the city, I'm having difficulty with the second movement. I just can't believe that I will meet other amazing girls that will become as important to me as my current group of girls. Whom I miss dearly, and call and visit every opportunity I get.

Maybe apart of my frustration is that I constantly watch them drive away to new adventures, and being left behind can sometimes be harder than leaving. In either case I know that I'm up for another round of friendship making, I have no choice. While I did consider becoming a hermit, I'm relational and enjoy my girlfriends, guy friends, and general camaraderie that comes when you really get to know someone and can let down your hair, laugh until you almost pee your pants, and can cry unabashedly.

Right now, I am grateful for the previously named vortex of selfishness who tonight lifted my spirits with a shot of tequila, hug, and laughter. I forgot that's probably why I fell for him in the first place. His warmth, and moments of genuine care. Anyway I look forward to new friends, and great travels with my forever friends. Next time I write might be from my new home under a bridge but hopefully with new adventures around the corner.

The End of an Era

Yesterday I wished one of my dearest friends and favorite roommates farewell. We stuffed her into a car packed to the hilt with her last few belongings. The last items that tied her to Dallas and to me. It was with a mixture of sadness, and excitement that I watched her drive away; off to her new home in the Great White North.

I'm grateful for the time we spent together and that we got to live together. It is because of her I learned it is possible to have a deep relationship with someone who doesn't share my background. We had our differences that made us wage mini wars, throwing out attacks and counter attacks, drawing the line in the sand, daring the other to cross it. When we did, we ended up much closer than before. We shared countless hours of laughter, cringed together over awkward moments, rallied each other through discouraging times and grew in our faith together. I remember she once asked if I thought there was a limit to the amount of great friends one gets to have in this life. I still don't know the answer to that question, but, if there is a limited number and I'm nearing the end of my ration, I'm sure glad she made the quota.

So Camelot here's a little ditty that was once read to me as I entered a new period of my life. It has been a few years now, but I have never forgotten it. I'm sure you've heard it before, but it encapsulates all my hopes for you. Happy trails Hon, and Cheers to your big new Adventure!

"May the road rise up to meet you.May the wind be always at your back.May the sun shine warm upon your face;the rains fall soft upon your fields and until we meet again,may God hold you in the palm of His hand."

Enemies and Friends

I used to wonder why you always hear of the Good ole' boys club, and phrases like bros before hoes, and nothing about the ties that bind women. While women have some of the most fulfilling relationships with each other as friends, those relationships can disintegrate once a guy enters the picture. I've seen best friends battle it out WWF style, for the affections of one guy only to end up without the guy or their friendship when the dust settles. Heck I've even made some less than stellar choices and relished in the theft of a boys affection, in my stupid younger days, and I have had good friends all but disappear once they've found companions. Its so sad that there is no sisterhood, no common bond that we can find to be better friends, and sisters.

The is particularly fresh in my mind after the discovery that a "friend" one that I've confided in and have come to care a great deal for, is well, tramping it up with a married man. Not her first offense and I dare say probably not her last. We've cried together and bonded over broken hearts,and cheating men. So its a bit of a shock when I see her flaunting her nubile young body in front of attached men.

I suppose I always knew what she was like, because the one thing we always laughed about together is how alike we are when it comes to our choice in men, and attitudes toward relationships. I suppose the difference is that I grew up and decided to care more about myself, and stopped allowing myself to believe that I was only valuable if a man chose to leave someone for me. It's even sadder because she's been grown up for a lot longer than I have, and I don't think she'll ever get it.

Now I find it difficult to look at her or even talk to her, not because I find her behavior so infuriating, but more that I see in her something that I recognize. A tired, lonely, girl begging someone, anyone to love her and make her feel that she matters. I can't look because I was once that girl, and I'm sad for my lost friend, I want her to see the light so to speak. I know that tramping is just as addicting as alcohol so I know she'll never change till she wants to. Until then, I guess the rest of my clan and I will just have to get our men inside before midnight.