My Heart Lies

There is something about women that makes us vunerable to men who are wounded. You know that guy that you know is bad for you but, the moment he gives you the slightest amount of attention makes you weak kneed and stupid. The kind that even when, for all intents and purposes, you are completely over them can somehow worm their way back into your heart, and mind and put you in a place that you pity other women for being in.

Well I'm there right now, at least I'm teetering on the edge. I want more than anything for this person to be successful, to be happy, to become everything wonderful I know they could be if only they would order up some humility, with a side of honesty..hold the BS of course. And in that desire, and that need, I am pulled in. I already walked down this road with this person, but my head was so far in clouds dreaming of the possibilities that I completely forgot that wounded means he has issues, tons and tons of issues. Issues that phyco-analyze as I might I could not even begin to understand or deal with.

I can sometimes be idealistic enough to believe that love can conquer all, not that what we had was love, but I like most people, hoped that any relationship would lead to that sort of transformative love that moves mountains and changes you forever. Then reality hit when one of his issues caused him to do something pretty unforgivable, and another kept him from realizing what a jerk he had been. Fast forward a couple months, I think I've been broken enough and remade enough to handle his re-entry into my life, we talked, there were apologies, nostalgia and hope. Now, I'm moving from love concurring all, to Sainthood, I just know he can still be helped.

I'm different, and more connected with my sense of purpose in this world, and committed to growing as a person which eliminates having romantic feelings for this person. But the longing to see him succeed, and be a better person stands. I was too busy being Mother Teresa to remember that as a woman with an inclination toward savior behavior, and past feelings for this person; that I am just a woman, vulnerable, and still optimistic about love and all that it means when the right one comes along. Thankfully God didn't forget, and he gave me a big whopping kicker of a reminder today; there is someone else.

Whoa I did not expect the flutters of disappointment, not when just yesterday I was congratulating myself on how far I'd come, and how glad I was not to have feelings for him any more; partially because we are forming a tentative friendship, that is far more rewarding. Foiled again, oh how my heart lies, I'm glad I know that I was disillusioned, and that I really am on the edge of a cliff. I can now take a deep breath, and walk away from the edge. I still think there is something I can do to be a better example, than what he has around him, and I still hope we're building a positive relationship. But instead of believing love can conquer all, I believe if I keep my eyes fixed on God and less on his hurt being healed by something I do or don't do; I think this new friendship might just end up healing us both.